Cut the Should
I should‘ve got this article done a week ago. Just like I should bake more bread, drink less coffee, and start a daily core workout. My brain is forever clogged with a steaming pile of should, especially around the holidays. This year the only resolution I’m making is to cut the should.
Should is the nastiest word in the English language, especially if you’re in a creative industry. As a writer I am bombarded with shoulds:
I should build a bigger Twitter following.
I should send more queries.
I should write at 5 am.
I should write in a coffee shop.
I should be able to draft a novel in a month.
I should query more.
I should read more.
I should network more.
I should plot more.
I should follow my instincts.
I should write more emotion, more action, more intrigue, and on and on and on.
Don’t even get me started on what I should be doing for my mind, body, soul, spouse, children, pets, house, community, world . . . Phew. I need to lie down.
Years ago I was rattling off a list of worries to my therapist when she stopped me: “Is someone going to die if you don’t tweet each day? Will you go to jail if your novel takes three years instead of one to finish? Will your family be homeless if you don’t find an agent this month?” After I shook my head she said, “Good, then stop shoulding all over yourself.”
In shock I said, “But I want to do all these things. They will help me succeed. They will make me happy.”
To which my very patient therapist asked “Will the happiness they bring outweigh the miserable feeling of carrying around a giant pile of should?”
The answer, dear reader, is no. Beyond that I found, once I shoveled out the should, there was more room in my head for my creativity to fly.
I stop myself from shoulding, with my own patented technique. First, I picture a poo emoji falling toward me every time I say or think the word should. Then, while the poo is flying I stop and decide if it’s really worth catching it and carrying it around. Most of the time it’s not.
My To-Do List app does a little confetti burst when I cross things off. Guess what? If I add a webinar I should attend to my list and I go to it. I get confetti. If I cross it off because I decide I’d rather do something else? I still get confetti. That’s not cheating. I still took care of it. I just took care of it by deciding not to do it. The tricky part is crossing things off with NO GUILT and NO SELF-JUDGEMENT.
In our social media culture, it often seems like everyone except me has their should together. Others have tens of thousands of followers, tons of engagement, a sleek website, and snazzy book trailers. I could say ‘I should do that’ and work night and day trying to do everything on the never-ending should storm which is creative industry marketing. Most likely that would end with exhaustion and me eating a pint of ice cream in front of the TV feeling like a failure. Or I could just say ‘Good for them’ and then ‘Good for me’ for doing what I’m doing and leaving space in my life that I need for my creativity to bloom.
Goals are meant to pump you up, not weigh you down. If you are forever whipping yourself for stuff you should be doing but aren’t all you’ll end up being is beat down. If you really want to get somewhere, start by cutting the should.
